I've just been driving around aimlessly since my last post. I can't think straight. I'm having trouble breathing. Tonight we were going to check out a holiday ice rink that just opened in the Embarcadero Center. I don't know where Ellie and I were headed in life, whether it was to stay together or grow apart. I certainly never thought it would end like this.
I know we have different tastes and interests. I know that this bothered me. It seemed like the more I knew her, the less I knew her...but that's what kept things interesting. I would find something on a drawer or a shelf and wonder, "now where did she get this?" I know she almost never talked about her past. I was hoping some day she'd trust me enough to open up. I never felt she kept secrets, just that she withheld some painful memories.
Maybe I should just go and tell her everything. She didn't believe me Thursday when I tried to tell her, but maybe I can somehow get through to her. It feels like she was looking for an excuse to break up and is just using this. Maybe nothing I say can make a difference.
I've never been with anyone like her before. I mean Carrie's smart, and funny, and can be fun to be around, but she's just not Ellie, who's strong, and passionate, and mysterious. I think that's the thing I love best about Ellie, that she takes on the world and drinks it in. Even when she drinks herself stupid, I know it's her way of dealing with her demons.
God I miss her. Even now I just want to pick up the phone and say, "hey" or IM her something cute. She always loves any small gesture I make, whether it's a little present or a card or flowers. She always chose me over her friends, and I know I did the same for her. I know she loves me even though she doesn't say it.
I don't know what to do. I should just go back and make her understand. I want her to tell me she doesn't love me. There's got to be something I can say.
Please Ellie, if you read this, please understand what's been happening. Please just give us another chance.