Monday, November 19, 2007

Heart 2 Heart with Ellie

Heart 2 Heart with Ellie

Hey, it's Alex here again. I'm sorry about that post a little while ago. Yeah, I'm here in some dingy motel room with Ellie of all people. Chinese intelligence has been watching me, and they let her know that I was in trouble. She herself came and picked me up off the street where I had been sitting yelling at people. She's sitting here next to me--well, not right next to me--and helping me type this.

I've been a total screw up the last few days. She's right, I've been maybe subconsciously trying to prove myself to her. I haven't posted everything we talked about the other night. We sat up a long, long time talking about her life and what she does. I just figured I could maybe show her that I could do the secret agent thing too. First by getting into Building Four, then smoking out the conspirators. Instead, I'm out of work, and frankly I think I've made Ellie respect me less. She denies it, but really. I just keep making one bad decision after another.

You know, when I thought Ellie was just a fuck-up of a girlfriend, things were somehow easier. I could be mad at her and blame her everything, and not have to look at myself. Now that she's this super secret agent, I feel like I'm the one at fault for everything. I feel like I need to be the super guy, keeping things neat and taking down the bad guys. I don't really get it. I know even thinking this way probably drives her away.

She's telling me that I need to look deeper, into my heart. I'm getting caught up in a lot of superficial bullshit that's coming from my head. She says I'm a head-oriented person, always trying to think my way through problems. That only scratches the surface. To get to the root of all issues, you need to look further, down to the heart of the matter. She wants to know deep down inside how I feel, and to not say "you know".

Well, Ellie, it's really hard to describe. When you enter the room, all I see is you. My heart begins to rush, and I have an irresistible urge to hold you. I think about you when you're not around, and my entire week is spent think about what we could do during the weekend together. I can't sleep unless I know you're comfortable. I like how when we get out into nature, you just want to breathe it all in. You seem to experience life though the eyes of a child, although you've seen more death than most adults. It's so strange that you live and breathe vitality, but you mete out death.

"If I could just be that person," she says, "I would be so happy. If I didn't have to bring death into the world, I could be free."

I think I see something in that moment, deep in her eyes. I can see a clear knowledge that she'll never be free. I've been trying so hard to solve a plot that I just can't. Ellie is never going to be free either. It's not who she is. The person I saw rip out a man's throat with her teeth will never have a normal life. Perhaps she drinks in life to avoid all the memories of death. Maybe it's because she knows every moment could be her last, and it's just a matter of time before they turn one of their assassins on her.

"Ellie," I say, taking her hand in mine. "I can't fight these people anymore. I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't figure out who's what or what's happening. I need your help. Thousands of lives could be in danger. I can't stop it. Carrie has cracked under the pressure. I know this could lead to more killing. Ellie, I need your help."

She squeezes my hand. "Oh, Alex. You know I might have to kill again. You know how hard I'm trying to get away from that. I don't want you to have to go through that."

I look at her. "Ellie, it's what you do. You infiltrate, you investigate, and you kill whoever's responsible. I can't ask you to kill anyone, but I'm beginning to realize that it's not fair to ask you not to either. You're the best assassin in the world. I want you to be Elena Galistina, not just a girlfriend or a lover. I want you to be the person you know best how to be. You know how to do all this stuff. I will help you all you can, and I hope you don't hold back on my account or anyone else's."

I see some tears well in her eyes. "It follows me everywhere I go. I can't escape it. You understand what I need to do."

I wipe the tears from her face. "You've got to embrace it Ellie. Be the killer, but do it on your own terms. I just want to write code, not save the world. Let's just be who we are and stop fighting it already. I'm just a programmer, you're a killer, but we love each other and we're going to make it work. How does that sound?"

She nods and wipes some tears. We hug for a moment.

"Alex, you really need to take a shower. Like now."

When I get out of the shower, she's gone. She left some money to help pay for the room and a note, saying that we'll meet again soon and to be brave. And then at the bottom it says, "Love, Kai Ying."

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