Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I Don't Understand Ellie

I Don't Understand Ellie

Today had gone much better. I actually crashed on Carrie's couch. I didn't sleep great. I kept waking up after dreaming that Ellie was trying to kill me in my sleep. Kinda strange stuff to dream about.

I took Carrie to work. The swelling had gone down a little but her leg still hurt like hell. I drove her to the office where she turned into more of herself. She spent most of the day berating people over how bad their code was and how if they didn't start putting in the hours then she would confine them to the office. She can really turn into a little spitfire when she's hurting.

Around 9pm she finally let everyone leave for the day. We couldn't talk all day, but I knew she had been working on the fingerprinting issue. I think frankly she kept everyone so busy so that she wouldn't disturb her.

As I drive her home, we can finally talk.

"I'm still not understanding fingerprinting," I tell her.

She's kind of scrunched in the front seat of my car, with her arms wrapped around her good leg. Her crutches are in my back seat.

"God," she breathes, a little whine in her voice. "I'm in so much pain. Every little bump hurts. It was so hard to concentrate today. Thank you so much for helping me. I know you're going through a bad time between the killings and your girlfriend. I don't know how we're going to do this. I can barely function right now."

"We'll be at your place soon," I tell her. "You need your rest. You're supposed to keep this thing elevated."

"Are you going to crash here again? It's ok with me. I didn't hear any snoring or anything."

"I don't know. I'm going to head over there after I get you settled in. But maybe you can lend me your key if I need to get in. Then I can come right over if you need anything."

"OK. I do require some ice cream if you go out. The more chocolaty the better."

We arrive at her loft and I help her get up the stairs and to set up her laptop. I make sure she has enough to work with and then I take off.

I became pretty apprehensive on the drive over to my apartment. I don't even know if Ellie will be there. She's never screamed at me before.

I pull up to the curb outside my apartment. As I get out of the car, I notice an Asian man sort of running out of apartment entrance. He shoots a look at me, then runs over to a black car and drives off. I swear he came out of my place, but the other apartment's door is next to mine.

I hurry up the walkway. I see some lights on in my apartment. I walk up to the door and knock softly. In a few moments I hear some rustling and a shadow in the viewer. The door opens a crack and Ellie peers out at me.

"Hey, Alex," she says quietly. "You shouldn't have come here."

"Ellie, this is my place. This is our place."

She's wearing an oversized grey hooded sweatshirt and baggy sweatpants. Her hair is up in a bun and she doesn't have on her usual makeup. I can still smell that subtle perfume she wears that drives me crazy. I have no idea what brand it is because she always keeps it in a fancy crystal decanter.

She sort of looks at me with pleading and then downcast eyes. "You really need to go."

I begin shaking, I don't know if it's rage or pain.

"Please, Ellie, just talk to me. Please. We've been through so much. I..."

My throat is constricted. "I don't want to lose you. Please let me come in, just for a minute."

Ellie stares at the ground for a while, then opens the door. "Just for a few minutes."

I see a few boxes lying around the room, with carefully wrapped objects placed in them. "Oh, god," I mutter. "You're leaving."

She nods. "I have to. I'll be out of here by Saturday. I can't get in my new place until then."

"Ellie, please. I swear by all that's holy that nothing's going on between me and Carrie. We're just friends."

Ellie wipes a tear from her eye. "I want to believe you Alex. I know you stayed with her last night."

I'm speechless. "She needed my help. Her mom won't be here 'til tomorrow. And I didn't have anywhere to go."

"It doesn't matter Alex. It's over. I know you're keeping secrets from me. I just can't deal with that. You've been the only real friend I've had here, and now this happens. It's just over."

Now I feel tears on my face. She won't look at me. Her arms are crossed and she keeps staring at the same spot on the ground.

"I need some stuff," I say.

She waves an arm. "OK. There's some empty boxes in the bedroom."

I know I've complained about Ellie in this blog, how she can be lazy and self-destructive, self-centered and oblivious to my feelings. But dammit, she's my Ellie.

I gather what I need until Saturday in a box, while I stifle back sobs.

I carry my box back to the living room where Ellie is just standing.

"Ellie, you know I love you. I know I don't say that much if ever. I would never do anything to hurt you. You're my whole life. Please don't do this."

She gasps as I profess my love, as if she'd been stuck with a needle. "Please just go, Alex. And don't try to find me. I'm changing my cell number and email. I didn't want this to happen. This wasn't supposed to happen. But what's done is done and can't be undone."

I open my mouth to speak but she turns her back towards me. With tears streaming down my face, I walk out the door, seeing her for perhaps the last time.

When I get to my car, I drive a couple blocks, then stop. I'm just overcome with grief.

Sorry guys, I can't write anymore tonight. This is too fucking painful. I don't know what happened. Maybe someone out there can explain it to me. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything to kill the relationship. Some please explain what happened before I fucking go fucking crazy!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Constructive comments are welcome.
OpenID Required.