Sunday, November 18, 2007

I'm Losing It

I'm Losing It

Yesterday I posted about feeling like an injured crab. Well today I feel more like a rotting carcass. I can't seem to be able to pull myself out of bed. My wrists and ankles are scraped and bruised, and every muscle in my body aches. I'm like roadkill rotting in the sun. I called my buddy to tell him to take my 49ers tickets for today. I just don't feel like moving.

I've betrayed Ellie. She's tough and strong and probably could have resisted, but I'm exactly what the General said: an unimportant and untalented nobody who doesn't deserve someone like her. I've always taken the easy way out of things. I've never really fought for myself or anyone. I've pretty much been a fuckup all my life. Ellie had given me some meaning in my life, but now all that's gone. I've betrayed her, and I doubt someone like her could forgive me. She needs someone strong, someone who can fight for her.

I need to do something to prove I'm worthy. I need to do something big and important, to show her that I'm not average. I could take out Building Four. I could blow it up. A truck full of fertilizer and oil could do it. One big blast, and it's dust.

God. What am I thinking? I think I'm beginning to go crazy. Nothing seems to make sense any more. I want to have a good life, and be a good person. I think I'm more lost than Ellie must be right now. At least she seems to know what she wants. I just want this all to end. Maybe I should just hole up in the cabin the rest of the week and let Carrie deal with all this. She'll know what to do. I don't know how much I really trust her anymore, but I know she's been working on this plot a lot more than I have.

I hate to say it, but I don't see any easy way out of any of this. Maybe it's time I toughened up, and start to look for the right thing instead of the easy thing. I want to be the kind of person Ellie would want to be with, someone she respects. I don't want to be a crazy bomber. I don't want to be an boring developer. I have another idea. There might be someone I can talk to. It's a long shot, but it's better than sitting around here feeling sorry for myself, and thinking crazy thoughts.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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