Thursday, June 4, 2009

The “Modern Pentathlon”

The “Modern Pentathlon”

World-Ch-Logo I was doing some research into Triathlons and came across a wiki page for an Olympic sport known as “Modern Pentathlon.” It’s a bizarre sport that combines running (not bad), swimming (okay so far), show jumping (uhh), shooting (waitasec) and fencing (whoa! Hold the show jumping horses!). It originated in 1912 as a contest utilizing the skills of the cavalry men of the time. Apparently, they’ve changed the rules this year and combined the pistol and running portion so you stop and shoot every so often (but not the horses).

So. I wonder why they didn’t combine all the skills? Say…shooting a target from horseback while fighting off attackers with your sword as the horse fords a river, then running alongside the horse during the “dismount” zones. I’m sure that would spice things up a bit.

Or, maybe it’s time to change the five skills to something more modern. Let’s call this the “Post-Modern” Pentathlon. The running has to stay. But it must be in full combat gear including boots, a 80lb pack, weapons, helmet and body armor. Maybe even a full-body chem suit and gas mask for good measure. No more horseback riding. What modern army uses horses? Now it’s a tank chase. You must guide your 67 ton M1A1 Abrams through mud and quicksand without throwing a track or flipping over. Of course they’re fully armed in case your competitors get too close. Fencing is of replaced with caged knife fighting. Take that, UFC! Let’s get real and make this event interesting. Swimming? For pansies. How about swamp survival? You’re dropped into alligator-infested waters with nothing more than a knife. You must fight your way out before the mosquitoes eat you alive. And last, we get to shooting. Well, let’s just say there’s only one medal given for this event, and whoever reaches the finish line first can claim it. If you’re not first, you’re dead.

Sound like an improvement? I’m sending this off to the IOC as we speak, I’ll let you know what they say.


  1. That sounds like my kind of action adventure movie I enjoy.

    I can already see "pentathlon" on the marquee...

  2. naaah! leave it alone, dude. i love modern pentathlon as is. never had more fun in my life then when i was a teenager pentathlete enjoying summer off from school. started a day in the pool, then went for a run in a forest park, or went to ride horses. then took a lunch break and later went target shooting or fencing. all the while hanging out with friends. we usually went to see a movie or an outdoor concert. sure, well functioning public transportation and the fact that the town we lived in was not to large did help a lot. as well as the fact that all the sports and most youth activities were state funded. that's socialism for you right there. 25 years later - it indeed sounds like science fiction.


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