Monday, August 17, 2009

What NOT to Blog About as a Writer

What NOT to Blog About as a Writer

boris-foot-in-mouth I had an interesting encounter yesterday. A publisher on Twitter tweeted something like “I’ll listen to pitches” so I figured “what the heck, it’s first thing Sunday morning” and sent him my 140 char pitch. He responded something to the effect of “I read your blog and saw that you’re still working through some problems, come back and see me when it’s ready.” I guess he read last Friday’s post where I outline areas I’m still working on.

Therefore, I’ve decided that I will only blog about my writing in the most positive light possible. You never know who might be reading. Here goes:

Dear Anyone Interested in My Work:

Dawn’s Rise is the most amazing story ever written, both eloquent and exciting at the same time. Towering in at an impressive 144 thousand words, I’ve written an epic masterpiece that will stand the test of time. I’ve filled the book with reams of detailed exposition to clarify every aspect of the dubious technology I’m proposing. I have pages and pages of calculations demonstrating that a tethered space platform is on the edge of theoretical possibility. I’ve dedicated a chapter to the marvels of the internet as well. It’s a hoot when my characters discover Twitter, with pages of funny tweets between them.

I’ve also become a master of characterization and viewpoint. I’ve made sure to hop around each character’s head, to show the reader what each character is thinking at each moment. I think I’ve created pretty lovable characters, full of remarkable traits and special powers, not a flaw among them. People will love them, but I’ve left their motivations open so the reader can kind of fill that in. I think you’ll see from their inner soliloquies exactly where I’m going.

I’ve totally pwned the world of adverbs and adjectives, using them to the most positive effect possible. The reader is really, really going to know exactly what I’m talking of. I’ve included serendipitously exquisite prose with long flowing sentences so the reader doesn’t have to stop for punctuation or anything that would interrupt him from the enjoyment of the marvelous world that I’ve created for the last seven years while either working or being unemployed and having to take care of my family while they recover from injuries or in my case some kind of mysterious stomach problem that never got resolved to my satisfaction in case you were wondering about that since I don’t really bring it up that much.

And finally, I’ve tried to maintain a high level of conflict throughout the book. Someone dies on every page, so right now I’m on 525 deaths overall, depending on page count. How could writing be more tensionfied? Although, my characters don’t ever argue with each other or anything because I can’t really handle confrontation so I keep their world safe and relaxed. They don’t really deal with their issues but I have a magic wizard from space come along and solve their problems so everyone is happy at the end. Don’t get me started on how great the ending is.

So that’s Dawn’s Rise in a nutshell, one of the greatest novels ever written, flawless in its perfection. I’m just fixing up some tiny, tiny problems at the moment that I probably shouldn’t even bother with so it’s pretty much ready to hit the “print” button at a publisher. If I’ve ever blogged anything negative about it, let me assure you those problems are way in the past, because I’m suddenly an expert on all these issues because I read a couple writing blogs. I think you’ll really enjoy it.

There, is that better? I think I’m really selling it now. :)


  1. Um, I think I saw you end at least one sentence with a preposition. Back to the drawing board you go!
    your eternally supportive wife

  2. Rotflmao! You rock dude :)

  3. LMAO! Nice! I think this publisher needs to look up the word 'pitches' in the dictionary and realize that doesn't mean 'finished final draft ready for publication.' Of course, that's one of the perks of being a book critic rather than an aspiring novelist - I can poke fun at publishers without any fear and they just have to take it. ;-)

  4. LOL. That should do it! Who could resist? It's particularly interesting that you use "serendipitously exquisite prose". I try to go back over my stuff and edit out all the excellent prose. Maybe I should start leaving it in when I find any.

    Actually, your "interesting encounter" may not be as bad as it seems at first glance. My guess is that the publisher involved was sufficiently interested in your 140-word pitch that she/he decided to investigate you. That means your pitch worked.

    Better luck next time.

  5. Zoni: I'll try to remove it out.

    NOW: Thanks!

    Chad: Yup. He just wanted pitches. He didn't specify completely finished ms's. (tho it's implied)

    GW: I was shocked that the spell checker actually had "serendipitously " as a word because I thought I was making it up (like some other words in there). I do take it as a positive that he checked me out.

  6. Holy cow, Andrew, this post kind of scares the crap out of me.

    Not because I've put anything bad on my blog, but because it just does.

    Keep the words comin, my friend!

  7. oh that is too funny... you totally rock ;)

    on the other hand, thanks for relating the experience -- it's a serious lesson for all of us, i think! ouch.

  8. Damn, all I talk about is the bad parts of my writing. It helps me fix the bad stuff though. I'm confused.

  9. Uhhh Ryan?
    I was talking about the bad parts of my writing...but in positive terms, making them sound like good things, to fool any agents or publishers lurking on my site.

  10. I just fell outa' mah chair. Hilarious.


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