Comments on Dawn's Rise: Revision Test!

1. The first one. 2. Definitely the first versi...

2010-02-25T15:00:38.791-08:00

1. The first one.
2. Definitely the first version. No question.
3. I'd say the first one is better because there's more of a human connection with the character, and not just a recitation of facts. It also makes us sympathize with the narrator.
4. Number one. Definitely.
5. I agree with Simon -- don't say "I wanted" or similar constructs when we're clearly inside the first person POV.
6. Sure. You've done enough critiquing on my posted sections. And I like critiquing stories.

1. I read the first one first. I'm a teacher...

2010-02-25T07:40:05.802-08:00

1. I read the first one first. I'm a teacher and I always follow directions (*cough*)
2. I was a lot more interested in the first version. I just felt more connected with the characters and curious about what was going to happen to them.
3. I thought the first version was better. The second one seemed like it was trying too hard to be literary (some of the word choices looked like they'd been taken out of a thesaurus). I also liked how you used the structure more effectively in the first one (having a one line paragraph, for example, gave that one line inherent emphasis).
4. If I had to guess, I'd say that #2 is the revised version, although I hope I'm wrong because I kind of feel like a jerk saying that. #2 certainly tries harder to be literary, but as I said before, it almost tries too hard.
5. I'm very curious about the backstory, although I assume that comes later. Also, I tell my students all the time that you can accomplish just as much (if not more) through dialogue than with description and telling ... although this might be a premature criticism since this is only the very beginning.
6. I'd be happy to : )

1. #1 2. #1 3. #1. Reads better, more engaging and...

2010-02-25T07:13:12.750-08:00

1. #1
2. #1
3. #1. Reads better, more engaging and interesting.
4. #1?
5. Scratch #2

1.Read them in order. 2.#1 3. I felt like I was in...

2010-02-24T20:31:25.963-08:00

1.Read them in order.
2.#1
3. I felt like I was in the MC's head more. #2 felt overwritten.
4. #2
5.You have a couple of good lines/descriptions in #2 that I might like to see in #1. :)
6. Well, I don't normally read this genre but I'd be happy to take a look if you need another opinion. As long as you remember... it's just my opinion.

1. #1 2. #2 3. #2 because it was more emotional...

2010-02-24T20:08:07.220-08:00

1. #1
2. #2
3. #2 because it was more emotional. The narrative flowed more smoothly. “The throbbing notes of the town bell pummeled my heart like a jackhammer.” I think this first sentence really sold me.
4. Honestly; I don’t know. Both have their merits. I think I’d have to read either version in context with the entire chapter; and if this is the beginning of a chapter, I’d have to read the chapter before to know if it had the info I needed. They basically say the same thing, just worded differently.
5. An excerpt is too hard to judge on its own; unless it’s a first paragraph, page, chapter. This has a strong voice, but the POV isn’t solid yet. Even though he makes I statements, the narrative really reads in omni to me. The narrative is a bit choppy, but I’m getting the feeling that’s how your MC thinks, and if its sustained throughout, then its fine.
6. Yes. Soon as I discover your e-mail address.

..........dhole

Read them in order. I like #1 the most. I would sa...

2010-02-24T19:25:16.546-08:00

Read them in order.
I like #1 the most.
I would say #1 is better.I felt like I was in the story.
#1 is the revised.
No, really like #1.
Sure.

1. Read in order... #1 first. 2. #1, mos def 3. #1...

2010-02-24T18:22:23.907-08:00

1. Read in order... #1 first.
2. #1, mos def
3. #1, for staying in the head of the protagonist more.
4. #1.
5. Forget about phrases like "I wanted to know" because clearly, since it's a 1st person narrator, what he states is what he wants to know. Same goes for "I knew" statements.

And, re: the comments in 5., take with a grain of salt, as with all crits. :)

Cool experiment, good sir!