Comments on The WriteRunner: The Clog – Friday Flash Fiction

I'm pretty sure I've read that story now that I fo...

2010-03-05T10:05:41.258-08:00

I'm pretty sure I've read that story now that I follow the link. In my story (the one this is based on), it's not really about suppressing outliers, because everyone has these abilities. It's more about learning what it really means to be human, to control your own destiny. Check out some more recent posts for some excerpts :)

I've only recently started following this blog and...

2010-03-05T09:11:50.234-08:00

I've only recently started following this blog and now I am catching up (which is why I am commenting a month late). I enjoyed the story, and think the scream at the end is fitting. What confused me was the present tense in the fourth paragraph, but that might just be me.

And now for the real reason I decided to comment a month late--the story about the handicapping and the ballerina and such is "Harrison Bergeron" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harrison_Bergeron

you had me at "after the dismantling of her husban...

2010-02-04T10:58:53.007-08:00

you had me at "after the dismantling of her husband..."

I must say, I didn't notice anything awry about the tenses when reading this. It's something that bugs me, too - past perfect. I think I need to read up on it some more!

I liked the story. His scream at the dismantling w...

2010-01-31T11:29:54.408-08:00

I liked the story. His scream at the dismantling was good and I also liked her scream at the end. Without that scream by her, we wouldn't know how surprised she was.

Helen
Straight From Hel

@Marrisa interesting thought. Their whole society ...

2010-01-30T09:33:33.734-08:00

@Marrisa interesting thought. Their whole society is in denial

@myne Thanks!

@Donna Doesn't ring a bell. Seen bicentennial man. There is a common sci-fi theme about androids wanting to be more "human." This is that concept taken to the extreme. It's like witchcraft. We used to go around killing suspected witches. What if we all are capable of witchcraft? (another story for another day?)
I do have a 10K word story written. It outlines Henry's story, and a lot of the background of how they came to this state of affairs.
But the story of course is not how important it is to be human, it's how important it is to be who you are.

@Laura Thanks!

I agree with Marisa on all of it. The word 'disman...

2010-01-30T07:40:16.250-08:00

I agree with Marisa on all of it.
The word 'dismantled' really got my attention in the first sentence. :) Wonderful read!

Man, what an excellent story. Gripping to the las...

2010-01-30T03:26:44.745-08:00

Man, what an excellent story. Gripping to the last. I love her scream of acknowledgement at the end.

This is superb; machines that think they are human; taking over the humanoid world. I mean, why not. We're giving them AI, making them think/feel/act humanoid. Yeah, I can see this as the next step; if scientists succeed.

I'd like to see you expand it to a full short story - 2 to 4 thousand words. Give the reader a little more insight into Henry's motivation for Martyrdom. Show us a little of his life, his philosophy, and where he went astray from Jude's - who seems the perfect humanoid-thinking wife. She bought the fantasy, after all, when he didn't.

Hmm, this reminds me of a story I read in english lit; can't remember the name of the writing. But it went something like: the future, all "talented" people are handicapped, and Mr whatever is watching some sports broadcast on TV, and the best skater (or maybe it was ballerina) throws off her "handicap", a ball and chain type thing that limits her potential; and suddenly she sheds the ball and chain that weighs her down, and hampers her true abilities, beyond her co-horts, and it's beautiful. And Mr. Whatever is inspired to throw off his own handicap, and his wife is appalled, and calls the authorities, and they shoot him up with something, and re-attach the handicap, and he forgets that he is something special, something beyond the prescribed "norms" of society to make everyone equal."

This writing reminds me of that story (do you know it? do you remember the title?), but with a definite futuristic twist. Jetsons meets Bicentinenial man. I give you the ending first, because it is appropriate to your short, short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDcDxteH_oY&NR=1
but suggest your watch the entire clip at (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAnTp7cHEHE).

And if you haven't seen that movie with Robin Williams, you're missing out. Yes, I cried at the end; it was beautiful. Much as the sentiment you've garnered in your story here Andrew.

Oh, did I mention the Android in question's name is Andrew?

Love the story, even as is.

...........dhole

This is a definitely an interesting concept. The d...

2010-01-29T18:44:40.168-08:00

This is a definitely an interesting concept. The dismantling in the first line got me. And then the last! Great post and I agree with Marisa that it works as is.

That first sentence certainly captured my attentio...

2010-01-29T09:42:52.792-08:00

That first sentence certainly captured my attention. I do not think you need to use "had"...it works very well as written.

I thought about it a bit and, yes, perhaps you should drop the last sentence.

After all, I think that Jude, deep down, really "knew" what she was trying to deny.